Iıve Got a Little List (Sung by the Lord High Executioner)

 

If I should ever be called upon professionally, I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at large.

 

      As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,

      Iıve got a little list‹Iıve got a little list

      Of philoso-phic offenders who might well be underground,

      And who never would be missed‹who never would be missed.

      Thereıs the pro-fess-ion-al victims who see ill-use everywhere‹

      All deconstructionists who pull arguments from thin air‹

      All theorists who would truth transmute into what we know‹

      And thereby banish skeptics and every sort of woe‹

      And in conflating fact and practice always do persist‹

      Theyıd none of Œem be missed‹theyıd none of Œem be missed!

 

      Chorus.  Heıs got Œem on a list‹heıs got Œem on a list;

                     And theyıll none of Œem be missed‹theyıll none of Œem be missed.

 

Thereıs the moral relativist, and the others of his race,

      And the eliminativist‹Iıve got him on the list!

And folks whose use of Œpowerı makes it work for any case

      They never would be missed‹they never would be missed!

And the idiot who praises, with grim authority,

All amateurish thinking and all fallacies at sea;

And anyone who claims that there is nothing but a text,

And thinks the past is up to us, as much as what is next;

And that singular anomaly, the hermenuetic feminist‹

      I donıt think theyıd be missed‹Iım sure theyıd not be missed!

 

      Chorus.  Heıs got them on the list‹heıs got them on the list;

                     And I donıt think theyıll be missed‹Iım sure theyıll not be missed

 

And he who keeps the title of a view that heıd deny,

      The objective phenomenologist‹Iıve got him on the list!

All those who seek to obfuscate when there is no reply

      Theyıd none of Œem be missed‹theyıd none of Œem be missed.

And meta-philosophes of a less-than-savory hue,

Who collect much coin for doing what they claim we cannot do,

AndıSt‹Œst‹Œst‹and Whatıs-his-name, and also You-know-who‹

The task of filling up the blanks Iıd rather leave to you.

But it really doesnıt matter whom you put upon the list,

      For theyıd none of Œem be missed‹theyıd none of Œem be missed!

 

      Chorus.  You may put Œem on the list‹you may put Œem on the list;

                      And theyıll none of Œem be missed‹theyıll none of Œem be missed!